Sunday Nov. 6 1:55 pm
I’m sitting here trying to turn my emotions into words. I used to write so frequently, all of my thoughts were expressed through the medium of words. Now, I can barely type these short sentences to express how I truly feel. I haven’t posted a blog post in months. That is hopefully going to change, not because I want people to hear me. I know people don’t care to hear me. I want to hear me. As cliche as this sounds, I want to look back at this blog and see how I felt as an 18 year old fag living in Los Angeles. In my short years on this god forsaken earth, I’ve experienced so many memories, emotions, love, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. I feel like I’m an old soul. The older men that I find myself with forget how young I am. My last relationship was a messy one, I cried more than I’ve ever cried, hurt more than I ever hurt. I tried to love when I couldn’t even love myself. I thought I had met the only person I could feel those emotions for. I have grown so much since then. I haven’t even spoken or heard from him. Life changes, people change. It’s crazy how you feel you’ll never stop seeing someone then, suddenly…..they’re gone. I hope he’s happy.
I met this guy recently, he makes me really happy. He doesn’t know it, but he’s teaching me so much. I’ve learned to be patient, waiting for him to text me back lol. He’s taught me to let me just experience things, let my emotions happen. He looks at me like I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and I am starting to believe it. Recently, my insecurities and extreme anxiety has limited me to believe I can truly be desirable. He took me out to dance, and suddenly I was free. It might’ve been the entire flask full of vodka I drank, but I felt alive. He looked at me under the neon lights as the gay EDM remixes played, and he looked at the real me. He looked at me like we weren’t in a tacky gay bar. He looked at me and kissed me. In that kiss, unlike the hundreds of kisses we had already experienced I felt something I had never felt with anyone else.
I look back just a couple months back, I was in shambles. Nothing that I did was good enough. I know that everything isn’t going to go my way but for the first time in my entire life, I have control over myself. The people I surround myself with, have only pushed my happiness and sense of self acceptance forward. I’m getting there.